Or perhaps donning a pair of M-Ugg Boots billig over Timberlands?
It sounds like you need to get your nose in Kurt Anderson’s man-ual How To Back Up A Trailer.
The book covers a lot of strange stuff, that we can only assume stems from it’s American writer.
But aside from the ‘deep frying a turkey’ section, it’s also packed with handy hints that will make you much more blokey and burly than you’d like to be.
1. Jump-starting a car:
This is a common car problem and you wouldn’t want to look like a spare part if you ever came across it.
Turn off anything in both the dead car and the ‘jumper’ vehicle - things like radios, lights and air-con.
Connect the negative cable to the negative posts in each car, and connect the positive to the positive posts.
Start the engine of the jumper vehicle and rev the engine a bit to increase the amount of amps flowing into the dead battery.
After a couple of minutes, try to start the dead car - if it starts, disconnect the cables, being careful not to touch the positive and negative ends together.
2. Arm wrestling a stronger opponent
Here’s a chance to pull out your strong-arm tactics - on an opponent that’s twice your strength.
Firstly, rotate your body to point in the direction that you want your arm to go.
Very quickly try to walk your fingers up through your opponent’s palm - done successfully, your hand will wrap around the top part of his hand and he’ll be stuck holding your wrist or the bottom part of your hand.
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Then try to pull your opponent’s hand towards you so that his arm isn’t vertical anymore.
Hit him with everything you’ve got as soon as you can - it’s much harder to work uphill once you’re down.
3. Downing a shot without making a face
With this tip, you’ll be able to drink all your mates under the table.
Do not take a deep breath before downing a shot - instead, breathe out and then toss the shot back, getting it past your tongue as quickly as possible - swallow it immediately.
Don’t breathe in straight away afterwards - just open your mouth slightly and after a few seconds, breathe in gently through your mouth.
The only real foolproof way though is to squirt a shot of lemon juice in your mouth immediately beforehand!
4. Smoking a cigar
We’ve all seen those fellows making fools of themselves when they splutter over a cigar - this tip will make sure your reputation doesn’t go up in smoke.
Buy the cigar right before you smoke it because they go stale in only a couple of days, you should choose a mild cigar if you’re a first timer.
Cut the cigar through the ‘head’ - which is nearest to the label - immediately before you smoke it (if you don’t have a proper cigar cutter, you can use a sharp pair of scissors or a knife instead).
Light the cigar, sucking from the cut end and rotating the cigar as you apply the flame.
You can smoke the cigar right down to the nub, but it might start to taste ashy as you get down to the last couple of inches - in which case, stop.
5. Getting your car unstuck
Whatever you do, don’t spin your tires - try to creep in one direction until your tires begin to slip, when they do this, stop.
Then do the same in the other direction - you should keep doing this to extend the ’stuck lane’ until you can build enough momentum to break free.
If you’re well and truly stuck, use a car jack to lift the spinning tire off the ground and line the underneath with some sort of roughage (like some leaves and branches).
You might also want to line the rut you’re in with branches or sticks so that you don’t get stuck again.
6. Get out of a speeding ticket
Pull over to a safe spot - if you’re on the motorway pull as far over on the hard-shoulder as you can or, better yet, find a close exit and get off the main motorway.
Put your hands on top of the steering wheel and leave them there - this will put the policeman at ease.
Answer his questions completely truthfully because the police get bored of hearing the same made-up stories - nothing is unique to them, unless it’s the truth.
7. Hitting a straight drive
Adjust the height of the tee so that you’re only about half an inch off the ground - this will help to extend your arms and reduce sidespin.
Stick a handkerchief under the armpit closest to the pin, and then simply make your swing without letting it fall to the ground.
Relax your muscles to take 10% of the force off your swing.
Keep your eye on the ball at all times. Perfect
8. Shotgunning a beer
Nothing says ‘enjoy in moderation’ like this party trick.
Using a knife or other pointy object, punch a hole in the bottom of your beer can and keep it covered with your thumb.
Pop the tab and start drinking - make sure you uncover the hole at this point.
Press your tongue down and ‘flex’ the back of your throat’ - you should feel the throat area expand.
Pour the beer back and relax your throat slightly - the beer should slide down your gullet and straight into your stomach.
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